You know that tight, knotted, firm pain at the top part of your shoulders? Sometimes it creeps to your neck? That pain that no amount of CBD oil seems to cure? Yup, that's right: It's the pain of carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. 

Boy, am I feeling that pain now. I think I am gaining muscles in my arms from my poor attempts at pressing deep into my shoulders. As if I am commanding them 'RELAX!' with every push, with every press, with every poke. That pain is REAL. and it's years in the making: It was in the sandbox when a little boy I hated took my toy. It was in school when all the kids made fun of my name. It was when my parents divorced and crushed my dream of having a 'one happy family' for good. It was when I witnessed a fatal accident off a cliff in Turkey. It was when the boy I loved moved away. It was when I got my period. It was when I failed at math. It was when I had no friends, and it was when I had all the friends. It was when I broke up with that one. And it was when I broke up with that one. And that one. And the next. And the one after that. The list goes on. And now I shall add the 'weight of the world at a global pandemic' to the list, and tuck it away in my box of memories. I will continue to rub CBD oil on the pain, and bath in Epsom Salt baths for days, and massage it 'till my fingers swell.

Or maybe I should just take a load off and pass some of this weight along. 
But who I would be WITHOUT that pain? Would my head stand tall? Will my lungs suddenly have room to breathe?? Will I be able to be flexible again and reach head to toe???

Questions to myself on a foggy Thursday afternoon.

​Dear Perfectionism,

I see you lurking there, in the shadows, always ready to raise your finger, to cross your arms, to roll your eyes at me. I see you with your stunning glow, shiny smile, incredibly irritating laugh.  You always show up on time, never late. You are perfect and you know it. And I know it too. (sigh)

I love you little miss Perfect. I love your constant persistence, your unashamed loyalty, your willingness to show up even when you are uninvited. But... can you give me some space now? Isn't it time after all these years...? Go find a corner in the shadows and turn around in circles, see what that feels like, live a little! You don't have to watch me like a hawk anymore. I got this. I know it's hard to believe, with my self doubt, petite frame and naive outlook on life, but I REALLY got this.

Hey, chin up! You taught me a lot: I know how to second guess myself a thousand times a day; to pay attention to the smallest most minute details; to be relentless and work like an ant. I am grateful for these lessons, truly. But I gotta spread my wings and go now, and once I fly...there is no turning back. There is no second-guessing up in the sky. There are no small details in the big wide blue, and a bird is a BIRD. She's not an ant.

Thank you for your commitment to me. I will cherish it always. Now go back and hide in the shadows, let's see how long you can be, okay? I trust you will perfect the art of hiding. You are little miss perfect, after all. 

Au Revoir,

Imperfect moi.

When I was little, and pretty much every day still, I had fantasies, and dreams, and ambitions to be super mega accomplished. Successful. Fulfill my potential no matter what. I've made choices all in line with that NEED to accomplish. But as life does what, well, life DOES - which is whatever it wants to do on any given time like a badass - I've accomplished some of my goals and dreams, and other ones I definitely did not. Some of my dreams changed, and that's okay. I ended up accomplishing things I have never dreamt of, and also failed in things I never aspired for anyways. 

This current pause in society put us all in either crisis mode, survival mode, or zen mode. For me, it also sent a rocket right to the heart of my need to accomplish. 

I once told my therapist that I'd rather die than being unsuccessful. That 'once', was merely last year. Well, in proper psychology lingo let me 'reframe' that notion: I'd rather die than not live fully. Living fully means following the waves that life takes me on. Be it a break-up, a loss, a goal achieved, a mountain climbed on, or even a global pandemic that swept the world completely out of nowhere and made us all STOP and LISTEN.
​Listen to the sound of the wave coming at you. What do you hear? 
I hear "You ARE accomplished. You have been born and whole and loved and full of gifts. Now fly off and do whatever you want to do on any given time like a badass."