A depressing hospital room. A nurse gives medications to a patient.
NURSE: And now swallow... Good. One done, two more to go! I'll see you later terminator!
PATIENT: Yay me.
NURSE: I know! Yay yay yay!
The nurse leaves.
PATIENT: She must have asp burger's. Or some form of autism. Ya gotta have a chip missing to smile that wide. I mean, one more milli-inch and her teeth would explode. I'm haunted by them already. Every night she comes with her cheery as fuck smile and high pitch gossip tone and I swear I secretly hope for her to pillow me in my sleep. Take me out of my misery woman! Be the angel of death you know you want to be! Come on! We all know the mormon little girl in you is just a facade! You screw like a truck driver in Texas and you curse like the bartender who serves that shithead. I've seen you wearing the SAME socks days in a row. The ones with the little ducks on 'em. Sidenote: Are you twelve!?!? But really, where do you go at night my lil' angel of death? Which body parts are you selling on the black market?
Who's next... ME!?!?
If you are rolling your eyes or dropping your jaw because my morbid humor is putting you on edge just a bit... know that you are too late to rain on my parade. Too late to place judgment on this motherfuckin' renegade. Too late for your horrid criticism. That's because I get a free pass, bitches. I get a FREE pass.
See, when you are notified you have only three months to leave, and that your last remaining months wouldn't be spent traveling the world on a hot air balloon but rather would likely be spent on unimaginable pain and discomfort... you have a free pass. FOR LIFE. And you get to make fun of the nurse or whoever you want because there is nothing better than sharing your miserable bitterness with the world you are soon to NEVER SEE AGAIN.
The nurse comes back.
NURSE: Yoo-hoo! Are we decent?
PATIENT: By pure chance. By pure motherfuckin' chance.
PATIENT: Or else WHAT!?!?
The nurse's giant smile wipes off her face.
In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman