Lessons I Teach Myself
Lessons I Teach Myself
HOPE: No I'm NOT from Portland!
MICKEY: All right All right. My bad. My bad...
(to the audience)
GOD I even like the way she rolls her eyes... I'm hooked bad. I'm hooked bad on this chick named Hope that drives an ice cream truck and wears glitter. I must be dehydrated or somethin'. "Stay Cool. Stay cool" I tell myself. But who am I kidding, I don't know how to talk right to a... a lady. And this chick? She's a lady.
HOPE: I gotta piss.
HOPE: Yeah... so turn around. Please.
HOPE: Unless you want to see.
HOPE: I'm joking! It's a joke!
MICKEY: Oh? Oh, yeah...
HOPE: I mean, we don't even know each other. And even if we did I don't think, like I'm not really into that. Not that there's anything wrong with it, um, it's just not-
MICKEY: Lady like.
HOPE: Right. So can you...
Hope motions for Mickey to turn around. He does, and lights up a cigarette.
MICKEY: (to the audience) It's all about this moment. The moment I hear the love of my life pissing a gallon of water, of her fountain of youth, into the hot as fuck desert both of us found ourselves in. It sounds like an orchestra or something, playing the song of my life. This moment I know, I know that if she would want to - I WOULD let her piss on me. If she only asked. Not my preference, yeah? I'm more of a traditional guy when it comes to love making, but this one.... Whatever she wants - I'm her disciple. I'm her follower. I'm her bitch.
HOPE: D'you have toilet paper in your car...? I'm out.
MICKEY: (to the audience) My first command. I knew being in the military for a hot second prepared me for something! (to Hope) Yes lemme see.
HOPE: Just cover your eyes please. Here!
Since Mickey is shirtless, Hope removes her blouse and tosses it over to Mickey. Mickey holds it up to his face, taking in every scent, as he makes his way to the trunk of his car.
HOPE: (to the audience) I always pee a lot when I'm nervous. And when I drink coffee. And I drank three disgusting cups at that diner back in Danner. Whenever a waiter asks me if I want a refill, I can't say "no" you know? I mean, it's free food. When you grow up without much money, free food is Christmas.
MICKEY: Found it!
HOPE: Oh thanks, you're a life saver.
MICKEY: No, YOU are.
HOPE: Hey what was I gonna do, drive away leaving you with your car on fire?
MICKEY: Some people would do that. I don't know, maybe I would.
HOPE: Yeah? That's pretty... lame.
MICKEY: I probably would have stopped too. I mean, if YOU were stranded. I'd stop... immediately.
HOPE: I sure hope so. I wouldn't want to die in the desert. Pretty sad way to end your life, you know?
MICKEY: I can think of worst ways.
MICKEY: Murder by strangulation, five gun shots to the face, slow poison like rat poison or something gross, getting your limbs dismembered while you're still alive, being paralyzed but still having your mind, going blind, being buried alive, drowning. All are pretty bad.
HOPE: (to the audience)
D'you know the moment when you realize you were completely wrong about someone and you may be in trouble? This is the moment. The moment I realize I'm stuck in the desert with a psychopath.
To Be Continued...
Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog that may, or may not be, of any significance to anyone other than herself. If you found her lil' life lessons, stories, poems and blurbs meaningful to you, well that's f**ing amazing! Comment and share so she can pat herself in the back - she doesn't do that nearly enough. Cheers.