Lessons I Teach Myself
Hope is holding on to her head, thinking...
HOPE: (to the audience) You know that bizarre feeling when someone sees right through you? That's what he is doing right now. Mickey - or whatever his name is - is seeing THROUGH me. As if he was IN my body. Twirling around my veins and blood vessels. Teasing my beating heart. knocking on my mind, banging around in there. Nagging me to death. It's giving me a migraine. HE is giving me a migraine! I gotta... gotta get out of this place. I think the heat is getting to me. HE is getting to me. If I could only escape this moment a tad longer...
And just then, a flamboyant BURNER type dressed in a unicorn costume passes by.
HOPE: (to the audience) I must be imagining still.
(to the burner)
Excuse me, are you a figment of my imagination?
HOPE: Depends on what?
BURNER: If you'd want me to be.
HOPE: I don't know what I want.
BURNER: That's pretty obvious girlie. What's less obvious is why would you create me to state the obvious?
HOPE: Well OBVIOUSLY I am not very sophisticated.
HOPE: Not to mention I am not the most original. I mean... a unicorn?
BURNER: It's a symbol of purity.
HOPE: Okay so now I am not sophisticated, not original, AND in major denial about my sexual past!? What is happening? Really. If you are here to send me a message from my self to myself.... get on with it okay? I got places to be and people to see.
BURNER: You mean you are going to Burning Man after you got kicked out of your apartment because you didn't pay the rent for three months.
HOPE: I didn't pay the rent because...
BURNER: Because your landlord is a douche. I know.
HOPE: He's the scum of the earth.
BURNER: Yeah. But he's a scum with a place to live. You? You are literally living in a crappy ice cream truck in the middle of the desert and about to let some weirdo see your sorry ass life. And you are freaked out about it 'cause you actually like this guy, so instead of getting to know him or worse - GETTING HIM TO KNOW YOU - you are talking to an imaginary unicorn who looks like a homemade craft diy project some fourth grader made. Jesus christ, couldn't you have at least given me some wings!?
HOPE: Woah. Tell me how you really feel.
BURNER: I'm telling you how YOU really feel.
BURNER: Now excuse me while I go back to the ethers of your soul.
The burner rides his way off the stage.
HOPE: (to the audience) I must be dehydrated.
MICKEY: (to the audience) Look at her. The angel of my life... thinking. She looks so....hot. And smart. She's WAY out of my league. Thing about me is I may be a fuck up, but I know to count my lucky cards when I see 'em. Not sure what I did to deserve this beauty, but I don't plan to fuck it up. I gotta stay cool. Stay cool like ice cream I wish she had in that truck of hers. Purple glittery ice cream from the Gods!
HOPE: Okay I'm done thinking.
HOPE: I mean I am taking a break from thinking. It's too hard. My brain is overwhelmed. Did your... dog finish the rest of the water?
MICKEY: Looks like he did.
MICKEY: I think yes.
MICKEY: I got some Guinness. Would you like some?
HOPE: That is disgusting and yes please.
To be continued...
HOPE: (to the audience) I lose myself in this moment. His arms are holding me, and his touch is soft and gentle but also stern and protective. Like a teacher, guiding me somewhere I've never been before.
It scares the shit out of me. So I drift in my mind to a world of 'What If'.
When I was little and my dad would beat my mom - Yeah, he did that too. Plenty of times. Once he threw her down the stairs, a bunch of times he slapped her. Beat her with his belt. I think that was his favorite way. Sick fuck. One time I remember he swung a pan over her head in the kitchen, I saw the whole thing while I was eating cereal. Her head bled for hours. I put a Mickey Mouse band aid on it. She smiled at me. She loved Disney as much as I did. Anyhow, when he'd beat her, I would drift away and start wondering 'what if.' What if I was an actual Disney princess, And I'd have to live in Florida and hug hundreds of kids every day. Or 'what if' one day we'd wake up but the morning wouldn't come. And it will stay nighttime forever. Or 'what if' school was up in the sky on a cloud, and us children would slide on rainbows from cloud to cloud to get to class. Or 'what if' my dad went away and never hurt my mom again. What if.
So in this moment, with this unnamed man holding me like a fucking princess, I think to myself 'what if I had no fear? And I wasn't busy, and I could get into....a thing with this guy. What if? What then?' Well obviously I'd take him to Burning man on a flying carpet. We'd be high on life and love and dance in the desert and our bodies would gravitate towards each other like magnets. It'd be something like this:
SET CHANGE: We are now in Hope's fantasy. The bare desert now morphed into the 'Burning Man Universe'. Mickey and Hope, in costumes, are letting loose dancing, laughing, loving.
MICKEY: I am lost in a dust storm and her name is HOPE!
HOPE: Aw sweetie hold tight 'cause I'm gonna save ya. Save ya from the Burning Man!
They are falling into the ground, laughing, giggling, loving like there is no ego, and there is no tomorrow.
MICKEY: You are so beautiful. Thank you for taking me to this magical place.
HOPE: It wasn't me. it was GOD, remember?
MICKEY: How could I forget. An angel sent to me from the stars to show me how to love. Tell me, what star did you drop in from? Is it the one on the right? The bright one that twinkles near the milky way? Or did you travel through time and thousands of galaxies to meet me?
HOPE: A lady must never tell where she comes from.
MICKEY: Or else?
HOPE: Or you'd find out she's not a lady at all.
MICKEY: I doubt that.
HOPE: ...Because you're in love. And breathing in a lot of dust.
MICKEY: Yeah it tastes like... happiness. You could tell me anything and I'll adore you. Forever!
HOPE: Hmm what is IN this dust you've taken!?
MICKEY: Nothing but pure minerals that you, I, and the rest of humanity came from.
HOPE: 'From dust 'till dust.' You are more religious than I thought.
MICKEY: Does that scare you?
HOPE: No. Yes. I don't know.
MICKEY: Hey, without GOD I'd have no HOPE.
HOPE: You are sweet. And I wish I could tell you all about me. The fucked up place I'm from. The dark stuff I've seen. The mistakes I've made. The mistakes I probably will make.
MICKEY: What's stopping you? We are in your imagination. You can tell me whatever you'd like.
HOPE: Oh I don't want to talk about the past. There is no past! There is no future! There's only now. Let's breathe in some more of this magic dust and join the parade of unicorns on the playa!
A parade of burners in unicorn costumes passes by. Hope leaps to her feet to join, taking Mickey along with her.
They are hopping, dancing and following the festive parade that is circling across the stage.
MICKEY: So this is basically a giant rave!
MICKEY: I said THIS IS A RAVE!
HOPE: Oh NO! Not at all my friend. It's a society re-invented and you've just been incepted. Now quit thinking and get lost in the rabbit hole!
MICKEY: Does the rabbit hole have to include non-stop jumping?
HOPE: Oh yeah! As high as you possibly can!
MICKEY: Dear lord. Can we... can we chill for a second?
HOPE: Um... yeah, sure.
(to the paraders)
Bye! Love you all!
Mickey slurps to the ground, catching his breath.
MICKEY: Thank you... you seem to have a lot of fun doing that. I didn't mean to stop you.
HOPE: It's all good. I'll catch up with them later.
MICKEY: 'Cause all the hopping... the jumping... the weird arm movement you do... you're like the most adorable dance bunny I've ever seen. But I get what you're doing.
HOPE: Okay Sherlock, and what's that?
MICKEY: I know I'm just a figment of your imagination, so I'm not gonna object to any sort of escapism you wanna do.
But you know you can't escape your past right?
HOPE: Okay 'Yoda!'
MICKEY: Don't be mad at me now, I'm only saying what's on YOUR mind.
(to the audience)
Sometimes 'What if' doesn't work. I might as well just face reality.
SET CHANGE: Back at our bare desert location. And back at the moment of Hope & Mickey's glorious kiss.
MICKEY: Hmm... your lips taste like... heaven.
HOPE: And that's a good thing I hope?
MICKEY: You 'hope.'
Yes. Yes it is. A good thing.
Where were you... a minute ago?
MICKEY: When we kissed, it looked... like you were dreaming, or something.
HOPE: Um d'you open your eyes when you kiss!?
MICKEY: Nah. I mean.... Sometimes.
HOPE: Okay, that's not creepy at all....
MICKEY: I wanted to see you. See what you look like when you kiss someone.
HOPE: And what do I look like?
MICKEY: Beautiful. And...sad. I don't know why but you looked a little sad.
I'm sorry, I know it's not the most romantic thing to say. But I was.. just wondering. Why a beautiful goddess like you would ever be sad? It don't make sense to me y'know?
HOPE: Could we hold on a second and just... chill. All this personal talk... is making me dizzy. I, I need a second to think.
Hope moves away and THINKS.
MICKEY: (to the audience) Here I am with my big stupid mouth again. I don't know why I keep doin' this. Is this some sort of, what it's called... self-destruction? My buddy Jim says I do that a lot. He says that's why I drink. He says that, and then I say 'no fucking way dude' and then we argue about that for some time and by the end of it I tell him to shut the fuck up and give me another drink. He's a good friend.
I hope she's thinking about how much she likes me. I hope.
To be continued...
Today I am breaking my own blogging rule: I'm going to share someone ELSE'S writing for a change.
I saw this little bit of wisdom today from the simply insightful Ram Dass, and I found it absolutely beautiful.
So much so, that I just have to share.
And let's face it - I can take a lil' break every now and then. Besides, rules are meant to be broken, no? ;)
So you're welcome. Here goes:
“When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees.
And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way.
And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.
The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.”
― Ram Dass
Hope SPITS into her palm and reaches it toward Mickey.
HOPE: Shake on it?
MIKEY: I'm all about exchanging fluids, but... I'm a bit of an old fashioned guy.
Mickey moves close to Hope and KISSES her. A long loving kiss.
MICKEY: I agree.
HOPE: My GOD.
MICKEY: Told ya he's real.
HOPE: 'He?' Why is it a he?
MICKEY: He. She. It. Doesn't matter. You're here and that all I care about.
HOPE: This is fast.
MICKEY: Yeah. Like lightning from heaven.
HOPE: Lightning can kill you.
MICKEY: And bring you light.
HOPE: But it can kill you.
MICKEY: Sure. It can literally light you up. Like fire.
HOPE: You're not listening. This... is fast. I don't know you. You're a stranger. You could be a killer! A serial killer! Wanted for murders hiding out in the desert.
MICKEY: (laughs) I could.
HOPE: You could!
MICKEY: But I'm not.
I'm really not, Hope.
HOPE: Look, I have...uh... trust issues okay? It's not you, it's me. And I don't mean it like a lie, like they say in television. I mean it for real. I'm not really cut out for... for whatever this could be. Yes you are hot, and a very, VERY good kisser. But let's just leave it as that. I don't know what's going on in your life. But I am... busy. Very busy in my life right now. I don't have time for...
MICKEY: For love?
HOPE: For a... thing.
MICKEY: As you wish.
MICKEY: 'As you wish, princess buttercup.' That's from...
HOPE: Princess bride. Yeah. I know. It's just my favorite movie of all time.
MICKEY: No way. Mine too.
Hope reaches and kisses Mickey again.
HOPE: No! I have to be strong. Could you... why don't you just put a shirt on or something? Cover yourself up, you'd get sunburnt.
Mickey points to the ripped burned shirt on the ground.
HOPE: Oh. Right. Well, when we get into town we'll get you a shirt. And then, yeah, then we'll get you a tow truck so you could come back and take your car...or what's left of it. And I'll be... I'll go off my way.
MICKEY: (To the audience)
That CAN'T be what she wants.
Is that what you want...?
HOPE: Yes. No. Yes. Oh, fuck it.
Hope jumps into Mickey's arms for another KISS.
To be continued...
Some days I just.... CAN'T.
The lying. The corruption. The death toll. The orange face. The sexism. The racism. The hate. The red hats. The power hungry, money hungry, fast food hungry AMERICA. The social media bullshit. The anti-mask bullshit. The 'how the fuck do I have so many friends that are conspiracy theorists!?' daily pondering. The racist slurs. The homelessness. The news. The new news. The old news. The fascism. The consumerism. The politically correct. The objectifying of women. The narcissism. The competition. The back stabbing. THE EGO. The digital cults. The digital trolls. The social distancing. The covid tests. The fear. THE FEAR. The clock ticking. The name calling. The bigotry. THE BANALITY OF EVIL. The lack of intelligence. The 'freedom' seekers who don't even bother thinking what freedom is. The sheep. The woke. The people who call others 'sheep' and the people who call others 'woke'. The fake politeness. The cruelty. The kids in the border. The lack of Empathy. The money driven soulless corporations. The protests that don't seem to do nothing. The police brutality. The ignorance. The antisemitism. The white supremacy. The dumbasses who claim there is no racial injustice. THE RACIAL INJUSTICE. The men's inflated egos. The wars. The patriarchy. The fearful ones who don't speak up. The battered. The beating. The depressed. The suicidal. THE FUCK.
Some days no amount of meditation, medication, CBD or cuddles with my cats seems to help soothe my rage.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day... and - VOTE please for the love of mankind VOTE.
'To thine own self be true' my literary buddy Shakespeare said.
As I grow older, into my 'womanhood' (whatever the f**k that is), some elements of myself become clear, while others lurk in the shadows waiting for the day that they'll have their grand reveal.
The art of acting is an extraordinary tool to to study one's self. So is mediation. And therapy. And writing, for sure. And pretty much every moment in our lives hold in itself the opportunity to LEARN something about ourselves. Be it by our actions, or our words, or our inactions or what is held tight in our throats and never said.
The journey of getting to know myself, quite honestly - has been a fairly recent one for me.
Most of my life I was too busy BEING myself to have any clear understanding, analysis or opinion on what 'myself' truly was. I simply thought I knew. And only when one starts by saying 'I don't know' - the self begins unraveling its various disguises.
So here are some recent discoveries about myself that I was completely wrong about before:
*I am an introvert.
*I function better with daily routines than going with the flow.
*I DON'T know it all.
*I am pretty f**ing naive. (Shhhh....don't tell anyone!)
*My hand-eye coordination isn't as bad as I thought! (A positive, for sure)
*NO, I don't NEED meat. (My body and my heart are far better without it.)
*YES, I NEED nature. (Weekly dose in the forest preferably, but hey, I'm not picky. Nature is fantastic in all its attributes.)
More to come, as I peel the onion that is the 'self' and see what truly it is...
How do YOU practice the art of 'getting to know thyself?
*Art By Nicola Pucci
Do your dreams feel like movies?
Action thrillers? Horror? Adventure buddy story? Love stories? Sex scenes and so on...?
This may be the storyteller bias in me that is connecting these dots... but it seems that dreams are where our subconsciousness lets loose and pitches to us the most incredible stories. I mean, limitless budget! Live action! Cameos from celebrities guaranteed! Wild effects! If my subconsciousness was a film studio, it would rule Hollywood. Nah. It would rule Netflix even.
What separates us humans from animals... is our ability and obsession with storytelling.
We often say that money runs the world, or 'God'.... (in all their shapes and forms) but in the core of those two is our ability to BELIEVE. Our ability to imagine and create stories, and agree upon beliefs....is what truly runs the world. After all, if people didn't believe that a dollar bill had value, it would just be what it actually only is: A piece of paper.
Einstein said 'Imagination is more powerful than knowledge.'
My subconsciousness agrees.
And it explores its imagination every. single. night.
To dream on....!
Today I had the pleasure of acting in one of my all time favorite theatrical treasures: Romeo & Juliet's balcony scene. I have always loved this story. The beautiful rhythmic writing of the greatest writer of all times... the innocence of young love... the high stakes in its way... I love all about this play EXCEPT THE END.
I often wish it could be rewritten and have at least Juliet live. After all, she shows such maturity and wisdom earlier on....doesn't she know that she can live a life WITHOUT A MAN!? Hello? Feminism anyone...? But alas, the story wouldn't be a tragedy nor would it leave such a mark on the world if it had a happy ending. And who am I to be tempted to rewrite Shakespeare anyway!? The nerve!
What I love most about these two young lovers is how abashedly they surrender to love.
When love takes over - one can move mountains. 'For stony limits cannot hold love out, and what love can do that dares love attempt...' As Romeo says.
I feel like even in my most innocent of years, I had fear, or shame, or pride in the matters of the heart. Always a tad too much to really fully surrender to falling in love as these two young lovers fall. Of course, they fall to their deaths, so maybe it's a good thing I have never quite followed in their footsteps...;)
But how beautiful it is to have these pieces of art that let us imagine falling in love as epically as Romeo and Juliet had, and that teach us on the immense generosity and power of love: 'My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep, the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.' As Juliet teaches us, hundreds of years after her inception... Her love may be infinite, and so is this story, as it seems.
With all the global hardships this year... the world can use more unabashed love these days, wouldn't you say?
*Here is a link to the play. Read on and surrender to Shakespeare's take on tragic young love...
HOPE: (to the audience) He may not be a murderous serial killer. And he doesn't seem to have even a mild dose of psychopathic tendencies... but he's a player all right. And he's definitely playing games with me.
MICKEY: Look. What we got here... this.... chemistry. I don't wanna mess this up. I wanna get to know you better. Like, this is gonna sound crazy, but I think God sent you over to me to show me he loves me.
Hope breaks into laughter.
HOPE: No, it's.... it's okay. I just, um. Is that a line you use often?
HOPE: The whole 'God sent you over to me....' Like, d'you say that to all the girls?
MICKEY: All the girls that take out the fire in my car but light up the fire in my heart?
HOPE: (bursts out laughing) Ha! You see, that! I mean, that's too much man. Like what happened, did you attend some workshop on how to be a MAN, you know, some dude who thinks he's all that teaching you how to pick up girls?
HOPE: How many girls have you tried that with, seriously!? Because it DOESN'T work.
MICKEY: You're the only one. I'm sorry if it wasn't... to your liking.
HOPE: Shit. Okay. Didn't mean to laugh, it's just...
MICKEY: ...Funny. I understand.
I'll just go fix your car and get you on the road.
Mickey goes towards the hood of the truck and starts working at it.
HOPE: Shit. I'm sorry, okay!? I... don't know why I laughed at you. I mean, I didn't laugh at you. Or with you. Just... I laugh sometimes when I'm nervous.
HOPE: Yeah, and when God is mentioned. I'm not really... I don't think I believe in God.
MICKEY: You don't think.
HOPE: I mean, I DIDN'T. Until I had that mystical experience with the fire and now I'm just, I'm fucking confused, okay?! And it's hot! And you're hot! And I'm hungry and guess I'm getting hangry and antsy and nervous about this whole thing, okay?
MICKEY: I'm hot?
HOPE: I should probably do some more yoga. That'll clear my head.
MICKEY: I'm hot.
HOPE: I'll just put my mat right here. Facing the sun. Do some sun salutations...
MICKEY: HOW hot?
HOPE: Ninety nine percent.
MICKEY: I like you too.
HOPE: No games?
To be continued...
We talk often about the NEW NORMAL, and how to normalize wearing a mask everywhere we go, getting our temperature checked when buying take out, waving to our best friends from afar instead of hugging them.
We talk often about the days before Covid. 'Remember when everything was good...sleepy...calm...NORMAL?'
So what exactly IS 'normal?'
*conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Based on that definition.... I DON'T WANT THINGS TO BE NORMAL. OR "NEW" NORMAL, whatever that is...I want the UNusual. The UNexpected. The less typical. The unique. The different. The rebel. The wild.... And definitely, I want NOT to conform.
But thing is... I also want SAFETY - And 'normality' and 'safety' sometimes find themselves at odds.
NOW is one of those times.
So.... if I need some normal to feel safe again in this chaotic era...so be it.
I'll welcome dear ole' normal into my life...
But just for a little bit...
...A rebel cannot be tamed for too long.
Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog that may, or may not be, of any significance to anyone other than herself. If you found her lil' life lessons, stories, poems and blurbs meaningful to you, well that's f**ing amazing! Comment and share so she can pat herself in the back - she doesn't do that nearly enough. Cheers.