The dream state is my favorite state. 
Why?
Because everything is possible in the dream state. Everything changes in the dream state. Everything morphs: A frog becomes a person and then a tree and then it is me and then it vanishes. A home becomes a cafe and then an arcade and the desert and then a space ship and then a forest and then the inside of a womb.
Time doesn't exist in the dream state. Time flows everywhere all at once in a dream state. Language doesn't matter in dream state. The language of dreams is its own metaphysical reality. Like poetry - the language of dreams is the language of the soul. Bodies don't exist in the dream state. The idea of bodies is there, but people are nothing but moving light and essences. Colors changing into one another.
In the dream state nothing matters. Nothing IS matter. There is no matter.
The dream state is a dream, that's why none of it exists.
But when we wake from our dream state, if we are in tune: we have the capacity to feel a snippet of what it felt like to surrender to our imagination.
The dream state is a portal into ourselves, into our sacred selves:
​Our imagination. Our subconscious. Our poetry in motion. 

A therapist's office. Martie is the patient. Dr. Johnson is the therapist. 

Martie: I feel like running into a tree. 
Dr. Johnson: Why?
Martie: Because I FEEL like it. 
Dr. Johnson: What does the feeling feel like? 
Martie: What? I don't know. Angry. I feel angry. So angry I could...
Dr. Johnson: Go on.
Martie: I could bash this computer with my foot. I could punch the wall. I could scream. I could scream so loud right now. 
Dr. Johnson: Okay. 
Martie: Okay, what?
Dr. Johnson: Go on. Scream. Punch the wall. Bash the computer. 

Martie punches the wall.

Martie: AAAAAAHHHHH!
Dr. Johsnon: How are your knuckles?
Martie: Hurting. 
Dr. Johnson: Okay. And what about the computer? 
Martie: No.
Dr Johnson: No?
Martie: I... need it. 
Dr. Johnson: You need your computer. 
Martie: Yeah.
Dr. Johnson: Why?
Martie: What?
Dr. Johnson: It's not a trick question. Why do you need your computer? What do you use it for?
Martie: Oh. Um. I watch football on my computer.
Dr. Johnson: Yeah? What else.
Martie: I... um, I do my taxes, send emails, edit my music there.
Dr. Johnson: What else. 
Martie: I research. I write. I talk on FaceTime. I learn. 
Dr. Johnson: How do you feel now?
Martie: I don't know. I... better. I feel better. 
Dr. Johnson: Yeah? 
Martie: I mean, I'm still angry. But now I'm also...
Dr. Johnson: What?
Martie: Hopeful? Maybe I'm a little hopeful. I got my computer just three months ago. It's fast and I can edit three times quicker than my last one. It's the processing. It's better. 
Dr. Johnson: See now? And now YOU are processing better. 

I wish I knew 
How to love backwards.
To start from full trust 
And end on curiosity. 
Because a flower that lost its smell
Is like love gone 
Faded into memory 
​Into the dream that never happened.
They say not to fall in love with potential
But potential is all we ever fall for 
On the ground, we cannot fall nowhere
So we run towards cliffs 
And let our hearts break open
And break apart.
Oh, how I wish love would be backwards
After all, even to the tallest cliff -
One must climb first.  
And for the biggest love
One must stand tall,
And never fall, and never fall. 

"Life is a pointless and determined quest to fulfill a to-do list."

Confession: I didn't actually overhear this in LA. Or in any other place, really. Other than he depth of my mind. But I could have easily heard this in some self help coaching seminar, or a yoga class or at my local juice spot. T
​he point is - there is no point, but all we do is try our very best to get to the point. 
​

If you had a do-over in life, what would you do differently? 
If you could time travel to a moment, and alter it significantly, would you do it? Knowing that things may alter as a result? Knowing that those things that would alter may make things... worse? 

Regrets. We all have them. But they don't all created equally. Some regrets we are able to turn into gold mines. Into gifts. Lessons that we learn from.
They cease being regrets because if it weren't for them, we wound't fill-in-the-blank.
BUT some regrets linger deep in us, like a scar that won't go away. A scar that goes deeper with time. A bruise that bleeds so much that you feel weakened from it. You feel emptier. Those regrets are tempting to want to 'do-over.' To toss away with, as if they never happened. To bring back time and un-do them. 

But then we have to remember - we are humans having a human experience. That means we must feel all feelings: rage, love, tenderness, joy, pride, sadness, misery, jealousy, and more. Including, yes - regret. Humanity is a full package, it doesn't discriminate. It doesn't shy away. It gives us the full menu and we eat everything, whether we ordered it or not. We are humans having a human experience. Nothing more. Nothing less...

This can be the 'song of the day' every day over the last couple of years...​
The world is hurting right now. The world is mad. The world is sad.
I think of Ukraine, and my heart sinks. I think of Afghanistan, my heart stops. I think of the US threatening to ban abortions, my heart is angry from the injustice in the world. 
It is a mad world,

To live an artist's life, with all its inconsistency and the need to delve deep inwardly in order to express something...​​ courage is needed, as well as tenacity, grit, curiosity, imagination and....:

PERSISTENCE
(noun)

*Firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition.
*The continued or prolonged existence of something.

In order to master something, anything, one must be persistent.
One must fail again and again and again and more importantly RISE UP again and again.
I have failed many a times. I fail all the time, it seems! I am almost so used to failing - that failing doesn't seem so bad. Suddenly rejection doesn't hurt as much. It's as if I grow thick skin... but to do artistic work one must be transparent, raw, clear, seen through.
One must have skin so thin that the heart is closer to reach the outside world.
What seems like 'thick skin' is indeed: Persistence. 

Things that I don't do (but some of them - I kinda wish I would):

*Go to the beach. I live four blocks away. There's no excuse. 
*Cardio. Don't get me wrong - I work out. But low impact is my jam. 
*Eat a vegan diet. Hopefully someday.
*Make new friends easily. Boo.
*Reach out to old friends. Guilty. 
*Manicure & Pedicure. Never got into it. Plus I bite my nails and I am allergic to nail polish.
*Read tabloids. Oy. Garbage. How is it still a thing!?
*Keep an organized closet. You don't want to see my unfolded mess. Believe me.
*Hike once a week at least. I used to hike THREE times a week. Maybe again someday...
*Post regularly on social media. I'm told I should... but it feels like such a time sucker!
*Meditate every day. I do sometimes, but not consistently. 
*Have a home cooked meal every night. Hey, I live in a city with amazing restaurants...

I found myself somber today.
The never-ending news of war, and murder, corruption, sickness, climate change, suffering, injustice.... they all got to me and I felt incredibly sad. So sad I didn't find the fuel to go into my writing flow.
Sometimes we are so weighted down, that even an escape to our imagination doesn't quite ease the pain of being a human living in challenging times.
And we all experience challenging times, sometimes. 
When I dwell in the depth of that somber feeling, that melancholy if you will... one notion comes again and again as a real suffering catalyst: 

TIME
(noun)

*The indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

That sums it up, doesn't it?
Indefinite. Progress. Existence. Past. Present. Future. Whole.
That sums up a core element of the human experience. How we move through life is all depending on time. Time is not man made. It's not made up. It's built in in our existence. 
We ARE time. And when we think we're not - we suffer.

What do you do when you are overwhelmed?
When life's stresses weigh on you, climb on top of you until you cannot breathe?
Remind you that there is so much more you could be doing, and that no matter what you do there is always more to be done?
For a productivity junkie like me, feeling overwhelmed shutters me. I choose 'freeze' as my response, which means freeze in terror and sink into a 'I don't know what to do' state of mind.
So how do I cope with the overwhelm? How do I 'snap out of it?' How do I reclaim my ground in the face of overwhelm?

This is temporary.

Most of the time in life, confirming my fleeting existence can be challenging to feel.
But in the face of overwhelm - reminding myself that all is temporary, gives me perspective that calms me down. That brings me back to a more balanced window of tolerance. That even makes me laugh a little and release some of that tension out, so I can snap out of my frozen overwhelmed state, and begin coping with my challenges one by one. So the next time you are overwhelmed and don't see a way out of the overwhelm - remember that this too shall pass. That the only constant is change. That even this intense state of mind and heart is.... TEMPORARY. 

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