On The Therapist's Couch
We all have childhood wounds.
Some are darker than others, but wounds are wounds and they leave scars.
We all have different ways to tend to those wounds or heal those scars. Those are called 'coping mechanisms.'
Sometimes we have blind spots around what our coping mechanisms may be. Makes sense, really.
We've used these coping mechanisms for so long, they became part of our identities. They're 'how we protect ourselves in the world.' 'How we survived our family dynamic become how we survive any relationship moving forward.' But looking into them can help stop the cycle we seem to find ourselves in again and again.
So how do we see when we have blind spots??
Looking at our greatest needs - can help fill the gap and identify those coping mechanisms.
What are your greatest needs?
Don't know? Okay. We can try this another way:
What are important qualities for you in a partner or a friend?
Shy, are we?
Okay, I'll start.
For me, very important qualities in a partner are reliability, honesty and trust worthiness. There are other qualities I'm always on the hunt for, of course, but these point to a certain need. The need I have to feel safe (a universal need we all have) and what I consider 'safety' in a relationship which is reliability, honesty and trust worthiness. These needs to feel safe point to what made me feel unsafe to begin with: danger/unreliability, deception, and disloyalty. When I was a child, I can point to specific events or situations that made me feel unsafe in those specific ways. Do you see how the wounds show up behind our needs?
Of course - identifying our needs and then wounds are only a starting point.
A starting point in the journey of healing. Of self awareness. Of release. Of breaking the cycle. Of having a clear view and not operating from a state of a blind spots.
We all have wounds, and therefore needs. When we identify them, only then can we actually look into them. Maybe we'll find better ways to fulfill those needs.
Maybe our relationships will deepen in understanding.
Maybe WE will deepen our understanding on ourselves.
And... time is up.
Until next week...
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In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman