I cringe calling you 'dear.'
That's because you have not been 'dear' to me, dear Pressure. Not at all:
You've brought with you feelings of inadequacy and perfectionism; taunted me with unhelpful comparison; reminded me that I am a mere mortal and my time on this planet is short so I better do something meaningful with it FAST.
You and I have had a toxic symbiotic relationship for many MANY years:
You showed up screaming and kicking when I aimed to prove myself as a teen, you kept me on point with my target in acting school, and you've messed with my head and heart for the years since. Years with ups and downs and challenges and accomplishments. Years of failures and successes. But if I'd let only YOU do the talking here: you'd say I've had 'failures and failures.' Oooh. Harsh. You are harsh, my toxic old nemesis / a limb I cannot get rid of.
I've done pretty well at keeping you at bay over the recent years. I started to see what a master of illusion you are. Always waving 'time' in front of me, like a ticking clock. I see your act now, I see it clearly. And sometimes - I laugh at it and let you simmer in the corner. Those are the good days.
We've had a lot of those good days throughout the pandemic. You were on 'stand-by', and now you're back with all your sinister toxic brutal force.
As things gradually opened up, life has regained much of its pre-pandemic normalcy. (Sure, with masks, vaccination cards and hand sanitizers.) With things returning, and industry re-emerging with its auditions and pitches, and red carpets and 'what are you working on? (puke) type questions - YOU, dear Pressure, returned as well.
How do I kick you back to simmer?! Expose what's behind the curtain? Let go of you so you cannot play on me again?!?
Or... maybe I should just embrace that you are a part of me, a HUMAN part of me.
The human who simply wants to leave her stamp on this world.
So from one human to another... get lost! Or at least... get SMALLER. Get LOWER. Get HUMBLER. Sit in the corner and let me get to where I'd like to get to, with my pals JOY and CREATIVITY.
~Your metaphoric punching bag.
In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman