Whenever I'm with you, my face turns red, my heart beats fast, and my body hunches over, looking to hide. It is almost as if I cannot control my body from responding to your presence. It goes into full Embarrassment mode, and you take the lead.
Tonight you and I met us for a little while. For a walk down my street.
It was a silly reason, really - It's often somewhat silly when you and I hang out - I was walking down my street to an ice cream shop, and on the walk realized me and my partner were wearing nearly the exact same outfit. Down to the same pairs of shoes! A his and hers version but same nonetheless. I was, well, you know.... I was YOU, dear Embarrassment. And when a group of diners in the trendy restaurant near the ice cream shop stared at me and giggled - my body went on to full Embarrassment mode: the blush, the heart beat, the bad posture... like clock work, my body responded.
One scoop of ice cream later and my body had forgotten about its recent beat change, but my mind kept going, thinking...: when did I FIRST feel your presence? When did my body FIRST learn to adapt to the reality of having YOU in its veins??
I don't think any amount of therapy or even hypnotherapy can give me that answer.
And I don't think it would make any difference regardless.
My body responds the way it does because years in your presence has taught it the best way to protect me. But there's not much to protect, really -- being in your presence may wake up old triggers and feel uncomfortable, sure, but it is also a humanizing experience, a humbling merge, a beautiful moment of vulnerability.
In fact, I'll go as far as saying that while I am uncomfortable with you often (or - always??), I am grateful for you. I am grateful that you continue to teach me what it's like to be human and to have human feelings.
In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman