Letter To Insecurity
I did NOT miss you at all!
Why couldn't you stay in your neck of the woods - deep in my heart - a tad longer??
Ah, right. You only come out when you are summoned. And I am the one that did the summoning. Right. ~Sigh~
I guess I must still have a craving for little ole' familiar YOU.
I mean, we go way back don't we?
Back in elementary school. FIRST day of first grade, to be specific.
Maybe even earlier but I was too young to recall our times together.
But boy do I remember you and I at that hallway, when I was taken from one classroom an hour into the first day of school and lead into another classroom. 'Did I do something wrong? Why ME?' I thought to myself as my hand was trembling holding on to whatever teacher it was that angrily pulled me out of the first class I ever set foot it. It was probably just another day for her, but for me? For me it was my unforgettable encounter with you. A deep encounter with you.
I stayed in that school for only a year, and that first day had a lot to do with it.
Today you showed up without any warning, but with that vommitty feeling in my stomach. A feeling that doesn't go away no matter how far I'll try to escape a situation. Feeling YOU at a hundred percent. And with you come thoughts: 'I'm no good. I don't want to waste anyone's time. Who am I kidding?! I am delusional! I am a delusional pile of mess! What do I know about art anyways?! How dare I?! I'm a joke!' Sometimes I go to sleep with those racing thoughts in my head. It's hardly enjoyable.
I realize in addition to crippling thoughts, you also have another bag of tricks in your collection: you make me incredibly self involved, dear Insecurity. When you are around - I cease to notice other people altogether! When you show up, I am immersed in you, so much so, that my sight is completely clouded by your presence.
And the worst thing? There is no room for Creativity to show up when you run the show. I mean, a little - sure, you let her twinkle her pretty face here and there, but you posses me so much, that even Creativity, my bestie, has to take a back seat until your terror train leaves the station.
If I sound drained, it's because, well, I AM. YOU are draining me with you insufferable 'poor me' attitude! I mean, toughen up already! Get a grip! Stop convincing me that you have value in my life, that you 'make me humble.' No - you don't. Humility doesn't truly exist in a self centered insecure sack of chaos.
If you step out of the way a little... maybe you'll give room for Humality to show up, but your constant presence definitely doesn't invite any other characteristics to show up.
You are greedy, dear Insecurity, you like to consume ALL OF ME.
But if I can help it - I am not gonna let you. You take away too much. You waste MY time. Enough is enough, dear Insecurity.
It's time you step out of the way.
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In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman