For a minute there I thought you disappeared for good.
I felt you getting washed off of me... such relief! Such a weight to shed off! Such lightness!
But alas... you were only on spring break, it seems. You are now alive and kicking, reminding me that I will never achieve or be even a speck of what I could do in my fantasy of myself. In that fantasy - you aren't around. You don't matter. You don't mean a thing. In the fantasy of myself I am fearless, DOUBTless, driven to DO any and all that I want to do. In my fantasy I am doubtless, no doubt about that.
But alas... here we are. Back in reality and the reality version of myself is cautious, fearful, sensitive, DOUBTing herself and her capabilities in almost every moment.
I learn to live with you. To accept you. To make peace that you'll show up, making me uneasy to celebrate any wins, or go after a new horizon, or god forbid ask others for help in my journey... I make peace that you'd always be there, camping out in my head, whether I like it, or not... whether I welcome you, or would reject your presence in a heart beat.
And as long as I have a heart beat, I will likely have YOU, dear Doubt.
In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman