Boy, you are heavy to write to.
Heavy to think about. Heavy to want. And heavy to lose.
You almost always stand by my side, as my watch dog, my bodyguard, my anchor, and sometimes - my prison guard. Our sort of S&M relationship started years ago. When I was a child, possibly even a toddler, I don't recall our first meet up, but I suspect it had something to do with me wanting to dig in my food with my own hands, instead of being fed by a spoon flying at me like an airplane with my smiling mother's face guiding its way. For years, right up until a week or so ago, I thought it was Independence that sparked that and other examples of defiance. I glorified my so-called 'rebellious streak.' But lately I realize, independence, may have just been your cover up. A kind of mask you wear, for people like me to deny your existence, and thus, let you 'run the show' more often.
SMART. And a tad....manipulative.
Yes, I am calling you out on that, my dear Control.
You may have gotten to me then, and many times since, but I'm on to you now! Self awareness has finally kicked in and it won't be the same again. Sure, you must be laughing reading this. To you, I am a pathetic little prey to your manipulative spider legs wrapping me up and squeezing me tight with your little fingers.
Congratulations Control, you have done your part very WELL. So well, that I wasn't even aware of how much you have lead my life. My sense of safety is linked to you, my independent lifestyle is your making, my strange O.C.D's are your artwork for sure, and both my fears and my drive, are often all encompassing by you.
You are a drug I can't resist. Always there tempting me to take you on, giving me satisfaction like nothing else.
But when I lose you.... oh, when I lose you, dear Control, something else pops in. Joy, calmness, surrender. Those are not your alleys - y'all don't understand each other much, and yet I am the bridge between you all.
So, why am I writing to you now Control? Do you have your claws in this seemingly innocent action as well? Am I ruled by you at this very moment? If I peel the onion of this letter, what's underneath it? I think it's surrender. When I surrender to you Control, with awareness, and with Joy and Calmness by my side, you lose the grip on me. Not entirely, of course. Parts of me, the control-freak parts, would rather be your soldiers at every and any occasion. But other parts.... other parts are finished with you, and would rather bid you farewell than keep taking you on. Other parts of me simply feel better when you are not around. My shoulders are lighter, my smile is larger, my joy kicks in.
This isn't goodbye, Control, don't freak out on me now, I know your freak-outs all too well....
It's 'Salut.' It's 'Au-Revoir.' It's 'See ya later alligator.'
We'll meet again you and I, I'm sure. Probably tomorrow at some point. Maybe even tonight. Maybe in the moment I 'send off' this letter to you.
But for now, adios. Don't freak out, just go gently into the night, and give me some rest of you.
After all, I have been a loyal disciple, it's time for me to take a break. A break from control.
In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman