I have a confession to make.
Deep breath. Deep breath...Okay T, you got this... drum beat...three..two..one...:
Do you see that date above, the one that says 06/30....?
It's a LIE.
Today is July 1st. And I am writing this "daily" blog post ONE DAY LATE.
I was going to cheat and not mention this at all. But who am I kidding here? Nobody to cheat but myself.
And I'm not the best liar anyways. This confession is kinda an example of how badly I lie.
Truth is, contemplating whether I should lie about this, wasn't very long. It wasn't very hard. I knew I didn't have it in me. You see, my mother raised me with a particular relationship to lying: One day, in fifth grade, I had an impulsive urge to follow my friend out of school, walk the streets of the city, visit her home, and take the bus all by myself home instead of following my normal routine of taking my neighborhood shuttle van home. I am not sure whether I was carried away by my friend's charisma and lure (she had plenty), or if I just listened to a voice in me calling me to rebel that day, but when I arrived home a lot later that day, and saw my mother's furious (and concerned) expression, I opted to lie about it. I made an excuse or told a story that the van left without me so I 'had no choice' but to follow my friend on her route. (not the most creative lie, but I did't have much practice...)
My mother taught me a lesson about telling a lie that day.
I had never seen her so upset with me. The look in her eyes was heartbreaking. Was gut wrenching. Was memorable. I knew then and there, that I would never want to make anyone feel lied to by me again.
Of course, people do as they may, and feel as they feel....sometimes regardless of my actions.
And I realize that now. But my inner compass of truth (for the most part) feels like a solid tower of stability. Barely rocks, and stands tall, with grace. That's when I meet the temptation of 'lying to another.'
But what about lying to myself?
Well..Here's where the tower often bends backward and forward quite a bit... and sometimes falls flat on the ground, or shatters into pieces before it builds itself back up again.
I somehow developed a mindset that may protect someone else from my lies, but doesn't protect me from lying to myself.
The journey to look inward, whether through this blog, or through my mediations or whatever else through this trip of a life, is a challenging ride. Sometimes we see things we don't like in ourselves. Or notice 'bad' habits that may need a re-programming of sorts. This is a tricky mindset to 'unlearn' for me... but maybe confessing it here on the big wild web is a starting point for me to UNLEARN the habit and polish up my inner compass of truth, to be stronger, to be more malleable, to be more honest, to be more... human. To be.
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In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman