I use my laptop religiously.
And by religiously I mean multiple times a day.
For my writing, my meetings, my workouts, my research... I mean, I’m a millennial! My MacBook Air is basically another family member in my home. So when my laptop suddenly CRASHED today, there was only one thing I could do, and that’s TO BE...

MALLEABLE
(adjective)

​*(Of a metal or other material) Able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking.

​*Easily influenced; Pliable.

Being malleable enough today to sustain the loss of my laptop... even if only temporarily, was key to let it roll off my back and move into action - which is sadly put it to rest and move on to a new member of the family: and upgraded version of my beloved MacBook Air.
​

What is it like to put myself at the forefront? 

I mean, hey -  I am an actor, I can take center stage. I mean, oh Lordy was I born to take center stage!? The feeling of lights on me - as hot as they may be (bring it) is like crack to this center-stage junkie.

BUT that's easy for me.
See, as an actor I get to expose myself through a mask. 
I use someone else's words and craft a character that is in many ways IS me and in many ways is very much NOT me. There is a sense of protection of myself in the art of acting. 

But revealing myself WITHOUT the mask? Exposed, easy, natural as I come... is far harder for an introvert such as myself. SO hard, that at the start of my blogging journey I kept the blog anonymous and didn't tell a living soul about it. I grew courage and am getting far better in the art of 'fuck it' when it comes to sharing my writing with others, BUT speaking as myself in an arena of public speaking can definitely still give me some anxiety. 'Will I say the right thing? Am I interesting? Should I shut up now? Isn't it hot in here!?' All those types of thoughts and even more absurd ones come up in my head when I am at the forefront. 

Enter ClubHouse:
I recently got a new toy. It's part a toy, and part a learning device. And it may be surprising to you that it's also a social media app. Yup. 'A social media app you can learn from!?' You may wonder. And you may roll your eyes. And to some extent you are right to do so and I would roll my eyes right along with ya...
But in this toy, this app, this WEIRD instrument I get to:
A) Play on my fear of being at the forefront. 
B) Master the art of listening. 
C) Master the art of conversation.
And they're all rolled in to one! Not to mention my new toy also helps in making real connections with people at a time when we are all so distanced from one another.
So THAT. Yup. THAT is gold.
This club is my new drug of choice: A stage where I get to take off any and all masks and put my very SELF at the forefront of speaking, at the forefront of listening, at the forefront of learning. 

Not gonna brag... (well, maybe a little) but today I was given one of the best compliments I could ever get. I was told I was resilient. And to fully appreciate the compliment, I had to look up the definition of the word:

Resilience 
(noun)

*The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
*The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

It seems like being resilient encompasses both toughness and elasticity - two elements I strive to possess.
Thank you for the darling soul that lead me to this beautiful word...

Dear Inadequacy,

Gosh, whenever I meet you, I squirm! 
It's so awkward between us. It's uncomfortable. It's tense. 
Here I was, going on my day thinking we parted ways long ago. I mean, we go way back. Waaaaay back in the playground, in kindergarten, and boy were you there in school.
But suddenly you show up! Out of the blue, reminding me of your existence.
Yelling: 'Yo! I'm here also! You better not forget me!'

You make me humble, dear Inadequacy. 
You make me human, old friend. 
You make me come up against demons that have been there long ago.
And I freeze when I see them.
And I run.
And I fight. 
​
You make me grow, old friend, because when I meet you I can only release you.
Until the next time we meet.
Until the next time...

Bitterly-sweetly Yours.

At last
A sigh of relief
After holding my breath
For four years

A revolution in the making
One of love and hope
Not of rage and vindictiveness

Done are the days of the orange buffoon
waving his small genitals to the crowd he despises
Done are the days of hating the hate
Now it's time to see it.
See it and send it off
See it and pass it forward 
See it and forget it
Or better yet
See it and forgive it

I once was not a believer of all things democracy
It was an idea that belonged in the playground
It was an idealist's game 
And I didn't know how to play 
Like so many others
I didn't know

I didn't use my voice to speak
I didn't use my pen to sign
I didn't use my ballot to vote

I was a non-believer in the political game of our lifetime
And now here I am rejoicing in the return of the facade of democracy
It is beautiful this facade
It is striking
And it hit me today
What a revolution of the spirit 
This time has been for me
What a revolution of the spirit.
Welcome back democracy

Now I exhale.

​***

When was the last time you fell asleep to a lullaby? 

Some of us, when we were babies, held by our mothers, carried for hours, rocked in our cradle... heard lullabys on our entry into dreamland. Lullabys are like a hot chocolate on a cold winter day. They're comforting and touch the heart in that special sentimental way. 

Go fetch yourself a lullaby, close your eyes as you lie in bed, and fall asleep to the soft slow sound you picked. Maybe you will feel nothing at all, and roll your eyes at my odd request, but maybe, just maybe, you'd be transported to your innocent self - the self that was so in tune with the beat of your heart and rhythm of your soul , and sleep rested and comforted,  just like a BABY. 

​Good night.

Heart: I'm worried. 
Soul: Oh come on girrrrrl, what do you get out of being worried?!
Brain: She's worried because she thinks if she worry - then she can control the situation. 
Soul: She can't control it though. No matter what she does...
Brain: Well Einstein what do you suggest - she does nothing!?
Soul: Accept the things she can't control. Worrying about it won't amount to anything other than a heartache.
Brain: Easier said than done. Or, maybe easy for you since you are not made of any body parts... 
Soul: Excuse me? I am made of ALL body parts!
Heart: GUYS! You two can bicker all that you want but it doesn't change the fact that I'm beating heavy and worried about what may happen.
Soul: So... are you a fortune teller now girl? 
Brain: She is doing what I told her to do - plan for worst case scenario so she can protect herself. That's how we do things around here, ya know.
Soul: You mean that's how YOU do things. I'm here too 'ya know', and that's not how I do things.
Brain: Oh yeah, right. You just hang out and are all 'in the moment' and all that. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't even get out of bed!
Soul: If I would or wouldn't, what difference does it make?
Heart: Guys!!! Enough with all that. The more you talk the more I am hurting, and that's all that really matters right now. This worry is painful. It feels like a rock on me weighing hard and heavy.
Brain: Breathe honey. Inhale and exhale. And again...And again...
Soul: Yes, breathe. Just breathe. On that we can all agree. 
Brain: It's all we can do right now.
Soul: It's all we have.
Heart: I feel... better now. Thanks. WE feel better now. 

I wish there was world-wide acceptance. 
Acceptance to all things and to all people.
Imagine all people accepting each other without a shred of hate, discrimination, or separation.
Just pure acceptance. 
Too much to ask? 
Too idealistic, naive, wide-eyed? 
Perhaps.
But if my alternative is hate and discrimination - I choose my wishful thinking.
I choose to accept the other.
I choose to accept HOPE.

I recently started a new ritual of sending a message to myself in the start of my day.
A message, an intent, a focus to aim to.
This morning I set it up to be 'SLOW DOWN.'

For a woman who is always on-the-go - even during a global pandemic when she is at home 90% of the time - slowing down my pace through my daily routines, errands, and different work or life engagements was like adding a breath of fresh air to my day.

So what happened today as I mentally and physically slowed down my every move?
*I SAW more things around me.
​*I took my time responding to events or people rather than reacting.
*I DISCOVERED rather than controlled. 
*I felt more rooted and grounded in my feet and my spine. Something I've been working towards in my yoga practice.
*I relaxed.

I still did productive things, but I did them with without a rush, but with attentiveness to my pace.
I am even sensing this type of attentiveness as I type away these letters on my laptop, focusing on the sensation in my hands and fingers rather than 'getting it done as fast as I possibly can.'

It became clear to me today, that when I slow down, the quality of HOW I do things - changes.
And isn't life sweeter when it is about the QUALITY of the journey rather than reaching the goal?

Food for thought. But chew on it... slowly.

Imagine: You look up to the night's sky, and all the countless stars have DISAPPEARED. 
And you are not in a city or anything. Nope, you are in a remote dark part of the world where stars would normally show by the hundreds to the naked eye. Freaky? I think yes. 

Stars represent hope in the horizon. Unknown possibility. A dream. A wish. FAITH.
When our ancestors started looking outside of themselves for answers, they looked up to the stars.
They learned how to literally connect the dots (not much had to be learned about this.
The human mind is a master in 'connecting the dots.') and named our stars a if they were barbie dolls. 

So imagine a night's sky without stars. It's like living a life without hope. Without wishes. Without beliefs. 
Imagine that... and then send a kiss of gratitude to the stars above tonight.