Today I have no words.
Maybe - One word.
One legged word.
One word that is barely there.
Full of sorrow.
One word that is:
Defined as an empty space.
But feels more like a vacuum.
This word is closing in on me.
Creeping up my arm,
with its interrupting message:
I am here, love. And I am yours too.
Do not forget me in the clouds.
There is an emptiness in you.
One can only be full if one is empty.
So take me in, love.
Take in the sorrow.
Fill yourself up with me, love,
And we'll both be -
Seriously people. How is that a thing?
Look, I get it. We all have lived in this new normal for almost a year. It SUCKS. I miss live theatre. I miss parties. I miss glim-glam events. I miss music venues. I miss indoor bars. I miss cities!
BUT I also watch enough NEWS and have had enough friends that are sick with this very real virus, to know that some of my selfish desires have to be in the back burner right now. 'Pandemic fatigue'!? Please. Just that alone makes me roll my eyes.
We are human beings - incredibly resilient species. Can we really not adapt to a year or two of living differently? Of socializing differently? Of eating home for a change?!
I don't know how things are felt in other places, but here in Los Angeles - I'm seeing this 'pandemic fatigue' everywhere. Restaurants have re-opened only as of yesterday and they are PACKED. And no, not many patrons are wearing masks in between biting or sipping.
Sure, you may say LA is doing slightly better that it did a couple of weeks ago, but with these new variants rolling out... we gotta stay diligent and get UNfatigued.
Maybe then we will actually beat this thing. (Enter deep looooong sigh....)
Do you sometimes feel overlooked? Unseen? forgotten?
I bet you do.
You often wait patiently as Fear, Doubt and Insecurity take the stage.
They are louder than you, yes, and they make their splash when they show up. They instantly get noticed by me. And then... you are often small, mute, tucked in your corner... but nonetheless - there's something about you that stands out:
You, dear Courage, are constant in your presence.
You are always there, inside. Waiting for the right moment to show up.
I want to ask you to not wait so long! I want to ask you to show up even when you are not invited! I want to tell you you can overtake Fear, Doubt and Insecurity in a millisecond with your glowing presence!
But I don't ask. And I don't tell.
I know better. I know you have something to teach me with your absence.
Perhaps I learn to appreciate you more... Perhaps you are priming me, preparing me for your arrival... Perhaps you are simply a bit of a tease. But whatever lesson it is, it's a good one coming from you.
Dear Courage, the times when you come close to me, when you built yourself up to be SEEN, to be GIANT in your presence, to be the ruler of my world... those are the times when everything clicks. Those are the most precious times. You bring Flow along with you and the three of us go on magical adventures together. Explore worlds, land opportunities and climb new mountains. And with you - it feels so... easy. It is easy. It's all easy, with you.
Thank you Courage.
I love you.
Until the next time I swim in your ocean,
My week has been a mixture of voiceover work, vocal exercises, Yoga emphasized on breath, and introducing my voice as a speaker in my new favorite toy ClubHouse.
And the range I've used my voice is as such:
Boldly AND gently.
Smoothly AND deliberately.
Energetically AND softly.
There is no right or wrong on how to use your voice.
Just do it. The world needs to hear it. And YOU need to use it...
The older I get, the more I learn to embrace the FUCK IT attitude. (Pardon my French).
I say FUCK IT when things don't go my way, I say FUCK IT when someone is a jackass on the road (that's a tough one, especially in Los Angeles...) and I say FUCK IT to my inflated sense of self and over-reacting feelings.
FUCK IT the refreshing breath of air I longed for in my twenties, but I was way too self indulgent to actually practice it. I was all into my SPECIALNESS and couldn't say FUCK IT to that.
But even then, I DID know how to say FUCK IT to auditions.
Once an actor starts auditioning and see how random bookings can be - one develops a mindset (or at least try to) to help process all those countless rejections.
Personally, I learned to adopt a habit of forgetting about my auditions completely once they were done (works about eighty percent of the time) and I even started a habit of rewarding myself with a fun beverage from a trendy coffee shop or a fancy feast from my favorite restaurant. In recent years I started using the 'Every NO brings me closer to a YES' mindset.
And boy does it work for me... Yup, it really does. Those audition NOs can go fuck themselves as far as I am concerned. :)
HOWEVER... as a writer, I have not practiced the art of processing rejections for very long, and a truck STILL hits me in the stomach when I hear what I perceive to be a rejection of my words.
But as the saying goes... 'the only way out is through'... so I've been forcing myself (yes, really, FORCING) to SHARE my work with people. Some supportive friends, some less-supportive friends, some judgmental friends... and some pros that I respect.
And let me tell ya.... the process of SHARING - brings up lots of emotions I struggle to say FUCK IT to. They run through me like a vindictive parasite tearing my insides, ripping me apart flaunting it's villainous laugh. It says 'See! You are NOTHING! Worthless! Failure! Incompetent! Shallow! Amateur! Just GIVE IT UP YA LOSER!'
Yeah... it's fairly tough processing my inner parasite and the emotions it brings along.
They are a lot to bear, those emotions.
They are a lot to say FUCK IT to.
But here I am saying LOUD and CLEAR - FUCK IT to that parasite.
I'm here to share it all, I'm here to bear it all.
I met a special someone named Charisma.
She's rose gold and flashy, compact and air tight, and gentle on my fingers as I slide my fingers on her keyboard.
She blushes when I do so, as if saying 'Oh, me? I'm just here, chilling. What are you up to this late at night?'
We pass the time together, get acquainted.
I tell her stories of my last fling, show her memories from a long seven-plus years affair with my ex, and she listens and shows me what makes HER tick. She is welcoming, this one. She's supportive. I feel at ease with her in my lap already.
I didn't hesitate to pick her up at the store this morning, and she didn't hesitate to be picked up and carried by me in her beautiful box. It was love at first sight, so it seems.
I don't know how much time we have together, but I plan to make it meaningful. Charisma and I will make memories together and tell stories that will make her rosy golden backside scream with pleasure, and will make her keypad moan with exhaustion! Affair of the ages!
Oh, if only she wasn't... A LAPTOP.
Ever had an opportunity to have a MICRO perspective enter your world, giving you a whole new outlook to your life?
I think in 2020, many of us have.
Our faces have shrunk to computer size or even phone size, existing only in the technological sphere to one another. And when we have the rare opportunity to interact in person - our faces are covered, leaving much of our humanity hidden, disguised, on guard.
Have we altered how we see each other as a result? Have we lost our ability to read body language? To cultivate first impressions? Have we lost some of our mirror neurons?
But another question rises up: What have we gained?
In the void of human interaction or at least how interaction occurred in the pre- pandemic world, what have we found?
How have we filled the void?
There is perspective in our micro world.
There are connections to be made and communities to embrace.
humans are resilient and in constant need to connect and communicate. I think through this socially distanced era - we are gently finding the voices in the silence, the space in the void, the micro in the macro.
I use my laptop religiously.
And by religiously I mean multiple times a day.
For my writing, my meetings, my workouts, my research... I mean, I’m a millennial! My MacBook Air is basically another family member in my home. So when my laptop suddenly CRASHED today, there was only one thing I could do, and that’s TO BE...
*(Of a metal or other material) Able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking.
*Easily influenced; Pliable.
Being malleable enough today to sustain the loss of my laptop... even if only temporarily, was key to let it roll off my back and move into action - which is sadly put it to rest and move on to a new member of the family: and upgraded version of my beloved MacBook Air.
What is it like to put myself at the forefront?
I mean, hey - I am an actor, I can take center stage. I mean, oh Lordy was I born to take center stage!? The feeling of lights on me - as hot as they may be (bring it) is like crack to this center-stage junkie.
BUT that's easy for me.
See, as an actor I get to expose myself through a mask.
I use someone else's words and craft a character that is in many ways IS me and in many ways is very much NOT me. There is a sense of protection of myself in the art of acting.
But revealing myself WITHOUT the mask? Exposed, easy, natural as I come... is far harder for an introvert such as myself. SO hard, that at the start of my blogging journey I kept the blog anonymous and didn't tell a living soul about it. I grew courage and am getting far better in the art of 'fuck it' when it comes to sharing my writing with others, BUT speaking as myself in an arena of public speaking can definitely still give me some anxiety. 'Will I say the right thing? Am I interesting? Should I shut up now? Isn't it hot in here!?' All those types of thoughts and even more absurd ones come up in my head when I am at the forefront.
I recently got a new toy. It's part a toy, and part a learning device. And it may be surprising to you that it's also a social media app. Yup. 'A social media app you can learn from!?' You may wonder. And you may roll your eyes. And to some extent you are right to do so and I would roll my eyes right along with ya...
But in this toy, this app, this WEIRD instrument I get to:
A) Play on my fear of being at the forefront.
B) Master the art of listening.
C) Master the art of conversation.
And they're all rolled in to one! Not to mention my new toy also helps in making real connections with people at a time when we are all so distanced from one another.
So THAT. Yup. THAT is gold.
This club is my new drug of choice: A stage where I get to take off any and all masks and put my very SELF at the forefront of speaking, at the forefront of listening, at the forefront of learning.
Not gonna brag... (well, maybe a little) but today I was given one of the best compliments I could ever get. I was told I was resilient. And to fully appreciate the compliment, I had to look up the definition of the word:
*The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
*The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
It seems like being resilient encompasses both toughness and elasticity - two elements I strive to possess.
Thank you for the darling soul that lead me to this beautiful word...
In April 2020, while experiencing her first ever global pandemic, Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog to keep her creative writing wheels rolling.
Header Art: Daniel Landerman