Lessons I Teach Myself
Lessons I Teach Myself
AT RISE, in the most deserted corner of a desert, a MAN comes out of an old Mercedes parked on the side of a road. He Talks to the audience.
MAN: Morning on the road.
I wake up with my chin smudged on my Mercedes window.
Fuckin' sun is blasting through and my A/C is toasted.
Fuck! This gonna be a hot one.
I take my first swallow of the day. My mouth tastes like the Guinness and Marlboro from last night. It fucking stinks.
How long can I keep doing this!? I wonder for a second. And then I reach for my pack of Marlboro...
Oh well. We'll SEE how long.
My old man was right. Always right, that Mr. Know it all. He thought I was a relentless fucker. Used to say I'm up to no good, but that 'whatever I'm up to - will get DONE.' He, of course, hoped I'd make smarter choices, but OH WELL.
I was born a fuck up. And a fuck up I am.
But I got my pack of Marlboro, my smoldering hot Mercedes I put in more than two hundred miles on, and my golden retriever Steel to get me through the day. So my dad can SUCK IT with his judgment. The world is my oyster motherfucker! I roll down the window and yell out: "THE WORLD IS MY OYSTER MOTHERFUCKER!"
So they can ALLLLLL hear me!
Except there's no one there. No one's around in this fat ass corner of Nevada. I'm talking to the FUCKING DESERT and all I get back is my own echo from the mountains and more sweat dripping from my forehead. Never been a fan of heat and this is no exception.
So what the fuck am I doing here? How did I get to this isolated lonely ass shit corner in the world, with no wife and kids and a job or whatever it is a man has to have to be an acceptable member of society!?
Oh my fucking god - I woke up two minutes ago and already went through my daddy issues and my miserable drunken useless shit of a life. Hang out with me a tad longer, who knows WHAT'LL happen.
And yeah, if ya want to know - I AM a fan of Buchowski Goddamnit. The fucking BIGGEST fan.
Ya make a career out of being a sad ass loser drunken shit!? You're my icon for life. Whatever society HE'S a member of - I want IN.
Acceptable member of society my fucking ass.
Who gets to decide that, y'know?
I never been acceptable. Not with my old man. Not in the fucking school I was too stupid for. Sorry, I mean "Dyslexic" - that's the more ACCEPTABLE term.
Never was acceptable with the ladies. One or two, maybe. A little. Joanna... Marcia.... Good people.
But I fucked that up.... I just, I just drink too much, ya know? And I'm too short. Too short to be acceptable.
Fuck. Steel needs to piss. So am I. That's what we do: We piss together. Sleep together. Drive together. Man's best friend right? More like man's ONLY friend.
So we're stepping out of the car, it's hot out here man, but I'm not gonna piss IN the car ya know? Haven't hit rock bottom YET. But - if THAT'S what I'm up to - I'll get that DONE. As my daddy used to say, the old fucker.
So we're stepping out, and like, maybe a second goes by and I catch MY FUCKING ENGINE ON FIRE. No joke. There's a fucking FIRE in the desert. And it's happening' right in the hood of my car!
I rub my eyes, to make sure I'm not hallucinating and shit? Nah, fire is REAL. And it's getting worse.
Steel is barking a mile a minute at the fire. Like that's gonna do something. He's not the sharpest dog, that one. Guess he's "dislexic." Like me.
So I take off my shirt and start trying to, I don't know, wave at the fire so it goes somewhere else. I don't know what else to do. I could pour Guinness on it but that doesn't sound like a good idea. 'Cause then, what'll I drink ya know? Hey -told you I'm a fuck up. Don't play all surprised and shit, okay?
But anyways, I'm waving my shirt like a surrender flag. Tryin' to knock this fire down to the ground. It's fucking hot and the fire is growing. Fuck fuck fuck. I start freaking out. And I mean, like, genuinely, I'm getting scared right? Like, I'm gonna DIE out here in the desert. Like the fucked up loser that I am. Even my death will be lonely. I'm seventy five miles away from the nearest civilization. What am I gonna do, WALK that far?
Fuck fuck fuck. Fire is not quitting and Steel is driving me CRAZY with his barks.
I'm about to lose it on him, or slouch down to the ground to pray for GOD or whatever. Honestly I don't know what's worse. But either one, either one is rock bottom to me.
And then, like some FUCKING MOVIE, I hear an ice cream truck.
No joke! You know the tune ta la la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la and shit? I hear it like I'm dreaming or hallucinating or something. But it's real: A fucking purple ice cream van is in on the road, headed my way.
And ya know they have a shit load of ice cream and ice so they can take down this nasty fire and save our lives and shit. Just like a Hollywood movie. Like, what the fuck right? How did I get so lucky?
It gets better. The van stops, and out comes the woman of my dreams. A FUCKING GODDESS. And, get this - she's SHORT. No joke! And she looks at me like I'm fucking ACCEPTABLE. Me!
This all happens very quickly, ya know, 'cause my car is on fire and my dog is barkin' a mile a minute. But in that moment? That moment I know life is about to change. Life is about to start.
There she is.
And the best part? Ya know the best part?
Her name is HOPE.
To Be Continued...
Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog that may, or may not be, of any significance to anyone other than herself. If you found her lil' life lessons, stories, poems and blurbs meaningful to you, well that's f**ing amazing! Comment and share so she can pat herself in the back - she doesn't do that nearly enough. Cheers.