An Inner Monologue Of A Cat

CAT: GOD the human is staring at me again. I'll stare her back! It's these little moments of triumph in the day that make life bearable. She blinked. Ah-Ha! A winner. As always. I hide a tiny smirk under my whiskers and turn my head to the side. As if to tell the human: this game is Bo-ring. I'm out. It would be the most amount of condescension I can do with the least amount of  effort. A win, indeed. Meanwhile, the other cat - the stupid one - is sniffing around my food bowl. Any minute now the human will yell at her and she will pivot off in shame. She'll sit in her rocking chair for a while, not saying a word. Quietly feeling sorry for herself. Or shaming the human. I'm not sure. And then the human will come to me, and start her pathetic baby-talk while she'd scratch behind my ears. Hey, you can drop the baby talk, but please don't stop... scratching... yup, right there.... ouch... where was I? Yes, the stupid cat would mope and the human would give me all the attention in the world, and then because she would seduce me with her petting talents, I will let her pick me up (totally unwilling but under the influence of her touch) and then she would put me down inches away from my bowl of mashed what-the-hell-is-it-anyway?!  food with a 'I know you'd thank me if you could talk' kind of a proud smile and just to fuck with her -- I'd HISS.
She would then open her mouth and eyes so wide to show her disapproval. But all I would see would be her vocal cords rattling with every angry scorned blurb. 'Her act of hissing involves a lot of effort', I would think to myself. But not me - I choose the road of least effort. And of more sleep. And then after I'd had collected some joy gems seeing the human squirm, I'd put my nose down to my bowl of food and at last - a whole new world would had open up. Winning at eating. Winning at life. Winning at being a cat.