All The World's A Stage - A Collection Of Monologues

On a bare stage, a woman, MAY, sits on a chair.

MAY: I don't date. I mean, I DO date, but like - I don't date well. You know? 
Who does, anyway? Not me. No ma'am. I missed that class in school. If there ever was one... There should be one, actually. How else do people know how to do this thing!? I mean, now it's like - I need a life coach, editor and researcher to get through the initial tinder chatting. And that's PRE dating. So yeah, after a few poor attempts at the dating thing, I figured 'why bother?' You're born alone, you die alone. Anyways. So why bother liking a person, getting to know a person, then - what - live with that person, go to sleep with that person, cook, fuck, fart, fight that person. Then, what, you pop the question or they do, and then what, you have kids or whatever, 'cause that's what life tells you ya gotta do... and then, what? You live your life, continue to fight, fuck, fart, until you die. Or they die. 'Till death do you part. If you're lucky, you actually love that person. And they love you. And it feels almost worth it, or fuck it - even totally worth it! So what though? You still end up alone or dead. Alone or dead. That's the end nobody talks about. They talk about the D word. Divorce. Like it's the big ole' D word. But DEATH is a way bigger and badder D word if you ask me. So yeah, that's my thoughts about dating. That's why I'm here, to try this for a change. Do you do this speed dating thing a lot?

DING! May stands and moves her seat 10 inches to her right.

MAY: Hi! What's that? No I don't date. I mean, I don't date well. Not really well, if you ask me....