Lessons I Teach Myself
Lessons I Teach Myself
Last night I had a dream.
Correction: ALL nights I have dreams... but this morning I REMEMBERED my dream. (Oh, hi Miss perfectionism! Long time no see, now go back to your hiding spot. Go on. Go. I'll wait.)
An HOUR later:
Last night I had a dream:
I was sitting in a restaurant, a casual hang-out spot, maybe serving tacos or California kitchen!? Don't remember those details but I remember my eyes as I scanned the other diners around me. Total strangers eating in silence, chatting, laughing... They seemed completely unaware of how unique this situation was. It was as if I traveled back in time, to the days before the pandemic, and I was the only one noticing how special this moment was. Special, and also a tad frightening.
After all, fear has been as wide spread as this virus (some will argue - even more...) and I am no indifferent to it. I've actually been primed for fear. All humans have, no? But I may have been more primed for it than others - having come from a family history of persecution and oppression - I am often finding myself comfortable in being 'on-guard' or thinking the world is 'out to get me.' But then again... this could also be my own narcissism, privilege and blind spot that cause me to think I am somehow 'special' in all this. Boo-hoo "Primed"... Oh, cry me a river girl! World's smallest violin here! (Oh, hi self judgment, what's up? Hey do you mind joining your friend little miss perfectionism over there and hang out for a bit? I'll wait. Okay, thaaaaaaaanks.)
Where was I? Oh yeah, the comfort in being ON-GUARD.
I can tell you a millions stories, and some solid justifications to why being on-guard saved me more than once, and to why NOT being on-guard lead me to some serious pain and heart ache. But that would just be another attempt for me to be comfortable in my beloved ON-GUARD mode. And what I think I'm really getting at....is how do I get out of my comfort zone here? How do I get uncomfortable?? Stay alert, conscious, thoughtful.... all the wise adjectives that help one survive in a high-stakes crisis, but also not be afraid of it?
When I was little (I'd say about seven, maybe ten....time's a blur these days), I had a recurring nightmare where the wolf from 'The Never Ending Story' was chasing me. (or creature? What was that... thing!?)
I was running away from it every night, and I would wake up right when it came close to catch me. Scared, sweating and wide awake. This happened for a while (maybe a month, or a year or more... who knows!? what is time anyways?) until a conversation I had with someone (I wanna think it's my mom cause that's a very 'mom thing' to do, but for authenticity's sake lets say 'someone'), lead me to decide one night, before going to bed, that I am going to FACE THE FEAR. I am going to STOP the nightmare. I'm going to stop running and turn and face the wolf. Or whatever that thing was. When I went deep into sleep that night and well into my nightmare, the wolf was chasing me - as it did countless nights before - but this time, I stopped, turned around, and faced to look at it. But to my bewilderment - there was no one there. Nothing. nada. The wolf has completely vanished.
The recurring nightmare stopped back then, but the lesson lives on today:
FACE THE FEAR AND IT WILL LOSE ITS GRIP.
Ah, well... I am hearing the lesson loud and clear these days, and hopefully I will soon be dreaming about sitting in a restaurant, and actually ENJOYING it for a change.
For now, sweet dreams y'all...
Tamar Pelzig pledged to write something every day, even if it's only a word, so she welcomed to the world a daily blog that may, or may not be, of any significance to anyone other than herself. If you found her lil' life lessons, stories, poems and blurbs meaningful to you, well that's f**ing amazing! Comment and share so she can pat herself in the back - she doesn't do that nearly enough. Cheers.