If I could only
Do it all over again
I'd choose a world without 
'I told you so'
And the cycle of violence. 
I'd choose a world that has no feuds
No wars No hate No despair
In this chosen world, 
Parents send their kids to school
And no gunman await them
No news story again
That breaks our hearts
In this chosen world,
no child goes unloved
No child goes wounded 
Just to wound others like him
In this chosen world,
There'd be no weapons
And most importantly: 
NO NEED for weapons.
In this chosen world,
​The words 'Active Shooter'
Wouldn't mean a thing.

If I could only
Do it all over again

We all have childhood wounds.
Some are darker than others, but wounds are wounds and they leave scars.
We all have different ways to tend to those wounds or heal those scars. Those are called 'coping mechanisms.'
Sometimes we have blind spots around what our coping mechanisms may be. Makes sense, really.
We've used these coping mechanisms for so long, they became part of our identities. They're 'how we protect ourselves in the world.' 'How we survived our family dynamic become how we survive any relationship moving forward.' But looking into them can help stop the cycle we seem to find ourselves in again and again.
So how do we see when we have blind spots??
Looking at our greatest needs - can help fill the gap and identify those coping mechanisms. 
What are your greatest needs? 
Don't know? Okay. We can try this another way:
What are important qualities for you in a partner or a friend? 
Shy, are we? 
Okay, I'll start.
For me, very important qualities in a partner are reliability, honesty and trust worthiness. There are other qualities I'm always on the hunt for, of course, but these point to a certain need. The need I have to feel safe (a universal need we all have) and what I consider 'safety' in a relationship which is reliability, honesty and trust worthiness. These needs to feel safe point to what made me feel unsafe to begin with: danger/unreliability, deception, and disloyalty. When I was a child, I can point to specific events or situations that made me feel unsafe in those specific ways. Do you see how the wounds show up behind our needs? 
Of course - identifying our needs and then wounds are only a starting point.
A starting point in the journey of healing. Of self awareness. Of release. Of breaking the cycle. Of having a clear view and not operating from a state of a blind spots.
We all have wounds, and therefore needs. When we identify them, only then can we actually look into them. Maybe we'll find better ways to fulfill those needs.
Maybe our relationships will deepen in understanding.
​Maybe WE will deepen our understanding on ourselves. 
​And... time is up. 
​Until next week...

Dear ​​Anger,

Boy, you are EXHAUSTING. 
Do you have to show up and take my body on a tension-filled rollercoaster!? My jaw, fist, teeth tighten when you are here. My heart beats fast, and loud, and my eyes seem to want to spring out of their sockets. 
And my voice screeches like a cat in heat. Anger, you are raw. You are wild. You are untamed. 
And when you are near, I am at your mercy. I am at your disposal. I am your... bitch. 
Some choose to tuck you deep under. Choose to pretend you are not there at all. While others are completely enamored with you, and are never able to manage you. They shift into resentment - self directed anger, or even some pivot into violence, aggression and rage. 

When you come to see me, dear Anger, you are usually accompanied by an intense sense of focus.
I stare at someone with my eyes out of their sockets, and screech with my most cat-in-heat voice.
I get focused, directed, determined and oh so angry.
Other times you meet me with an impressive sense of righteousness. A cause. A calling. A chance to fix a wrong. A purpose. This version of you is much more pleasant to experience. This version of you is you with a shit-load-of make-up. This is you all covered up. 
And when you show up naked in your birthday suit, I know that the only way to tend to you, and to calm you, is by being IN you. Feel what you ache for me to feel. Say the words you long to say. And when I'm with you, fully, deeply, simply - you are then accompanied by a dear friend: sadness. pain. hurt. 
They are always there with you, aren't they, Anger? 
You are simply theirs. Their driver. Their guide. Their twin flame. 
You are simply a vessel to pain. I peel you and see IT. You are pain's protector. You are MY pain's protector.

Thank you, my dear pain protector. Roam free and release yourself from your own chains... 

​~Your vessel. 

Do butterflies know how beautiful they are? 
When they flaunt their colors up in the air
When they dance, float, fly
Do they know -
How us mere humans see them?
How envious we are of their freedom?
How curious we are of their lightness?
Nothing weighs on those fairies 
It seems 
Nothing sticks 
And hurts
And troubles
Their little fragile hearts.

To be a human
is to wonder 
What it is like to be 
a butterfly.
***

Disruption
(noun)

*Disturbance or problems which interrupt an event, activity, or process.
*Radical change to an existing industry or market due to technological innovation.

I have encounters with 'disruption' numerous times throughout the day. My life style in a way is a constant meet up with disruptions. Whether I am writing and procrastination attacks me (like a disruptor...), or whether I get a same day audition that disrupts my day and takes me on a spin, I need resilience and flexibility to deal with disruptions and not let them.... disrupt me. 

~Do you sometimes think of death?
~Sure. Everybody does. 
~Yeah? Like what. What do you think of?
~The final chapter. The end. The farewell. The last stop. Death. What is it like to not exist. Must be like nothing. Nothing at all. I guess we'll never know... 
~Until we die. You mean. 
~Or even when we die - we will not know. Knowing anything is controlling something. Not existing means not controlling, so I think in our death at the very least we know that there would be no control. 
~That's fair.
...
~And life. Do you sometimes think of life?
~All the time. All the time. 
~And?
~And what's true to death is true to life: the quicker we release our need to control - the quicker we'll feel more freedom that we ever imagined. 
~Huh. Well, to life then!
~To life! And 'Till death!
~To life and 'till death!
​***

I've been sucked into what the rest of my social media world had been sucked into lately:
The Johny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial.
Sure, there's far more important news to follow.
Like Roe vs. Wade soon to be revoked because the U.S wants to travel backwards in time and control women. Or the war in Ukraine that has now become a normal kind of tragic.
Or the shootings in Buffalo, and just twenty miles from me in downtown LA.
Yes, those are all far more important.... But.... something in the tragic train wreck of the Depp/Heard case sucked me right in. Could it be the real life villain that Amber Heard is? Everybody loves a good villain. And she plays the part well: She lies (under oath I might add), manipulates and gaslights (so we hear in those countless recordings), and defends herself as if she truly believes in her own innocence.
Because she absolutely does. A villain doesn't think they are the villain. Most of us perceive ourselves to be heroes and many of us would justify our actions to a fault. And Amber Heard is not the exception. 
But it can't be just that.... The way this trial has sucked in millions around the world... is it simply because seeing such a toxic relationship make us feel better about our lives? Especially because two very rich & famous people are the ones experiencing it? Is what's going on here simply a gossipy "Stars, they're just like us" comic relief to our miserable lives?!? 
Or perhaps... there's something more interesting here. A look into human behavior. A study of a tragic and faulty personality disorder. A window towards the notion that 'The trauma of your childhood becomes the drama of your marriage.'
Maybe it's not just about Heard being an antihero (To those of you who view her as a domestic violence survivor after seeing this trial - you must have never encountered an abusive narcissist before - lucky you!) or Depp being an alcohol and substance addict who married the wrong woman. Or maybe it's not so black and white and truth is somewhere in the middle. (except in this case it's likely NOT that) or maybe it's an escape from the last two years into an ex lovers brawl that really has nothing to do with anyone else. 
Or maybe it's some twisted entertainment. 
Or maybe - it's all these things. 
I welcome it all. 

*Reminder: As always with my blog, all the opinions/thoughts shared here are my own!

COURAGE
(noun)

*The ability to do something that frightens one.


I seek courage. These days and really - every day.
The courage to show up. To be at my best self. To not compromise on my values. On my morals. On my stance. To have equal empathy and equal boundaries. To be in community AND in self. The courage to show up is the willingness to be as I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. To be courageous despite all the reasons not to be, which can all be summed down to fear, fear and fear. The courage to laugh despite the pain. To courage to look up when it's so much easier to look down. The courage to be ambitious. The courage to be driven. The courage to be vulnerable. The courage to LOVE. The courage to LOVE. The courage to LOVE.

'The Journey​ Of A Thousand Miles Begins With One Step.'
                                                                                ~Lao Tzu

I write about persistence a lot. I write about staying with it. I write about facing rejections and hardships and turmoils. I write about enjoying the journey, the path, the road. I write about ambition and drive and will. I write about the true meaning of success and what it means to me. I write about the artistic life style that forces one to face societal pressure, and inconsistencies, and ridicule, and poverty, and failure. I write about flow and the feeling of flying one can feel from being in their element. I write about journey. I write about MY journey. And I wouldn't have had none of it if I hadn't taken that one first step.

Dear Frustration,

We don't hang out a lot - you and I.
I tend to move over to lady Anger shortly after you arrive. Or straight to Miss Sadness, or Disappointment. Even Despair has greeted me after your visit.
So yeah, our time together is often short. But it stands out:
The frowning that comes along with you, the shrugging of the shoulders, the shaking of the head, the lip smack, the eye roll, the whiny voice...
You bring a lot of friends with you, don't you? Do you do that to prepare me for what'd come next? So I'll feel every inch of you in my body and my voice, as if to send me an amber alert - a loud one that makes sure I read its content?

You must seek attention from me real bad. 
You must want to be heard. Seen. Acknowledged. 
Well, here I am - SEEING you, and I appreciate your deliberate banging on my head. I appreciate your warning to what comes next. Because Anger, Sadness, Despair... those are all far more severe than you are. You are simply a train stop on the way to somewhere harsher for me to swallow. You are a warning sign that somewhere I have been triggered, or something has actually happened, and that I'm on a train heading somewhere now. 

You also remind me of the child in me: the brat. The spoiled. The selfish. The child who has yet realized that nothing is within her control. The child who thinks the world revolves around her needs. The child who doesn't know yet that she won't always get what she wants. No matter how much she'll want it. (Sorry to blow your bubble all you manifestors of the world!)  You and her are a bit linked. 

So thank you for the warning and the reminder that the child is always there in me, waiting to burst into the air. She, too - longs to be seen. Heard. Acknowledged. 
Perhaps you, dear Frustration, ARE the child. 
Perhaps.

Until we meet again...

​~Your vessel.